For
a few days last week, Dave and I attended a parenting seminar down near
Fairview. When we arrived, we
found that almost all the couples there were homeschoolers, and yet all very
different in circumstance, background and opinion. Some were young and some were older. Some had blended families. Some families were small, and some were
quite large. And yet, as we went
through the course, we came to find many unifying elements. Many of the families there were facing
similar challenges with their families as we were, and all were concerned about
their children’s development, their relationship with them, and of course, we
were all dedicated to finding solutions to help our children and our families
find happiness over the long term.
Most importantly, we were all LDS families, desiring to create family
centered homes focused on Christ.
One
family in particular, the Apontés, really stood out to us. The father, José, was the keynote
speaker, and their story is a good example of the principles being taught in
this lesson.
José
and his wife, Jacky, are Puerto Rican.
They were both born into homes of abuse, where the children were treated
as unwanted encumbrances at best.
In Jacky’s case, she was eventually removed from the home for her
safety. They met at a boarding
school, and with their similar backgrounds, they came to rely on each other,
because they had no family support.
When
José was 17 and Jacky was 16, José decided to pursue and new life in the US,
and invited Jacky to come with him.
She said she would only go if they were married. With no family support, they were
married at a young age and arrived in the US with no money, no prospects and no
hope.
What are
some lessons about families we can learn from the experience of José and
Jacky’s childhood? Are there any?
(Quote #1)
"The human family -- without the gospel or
without strong families -- is not going to go very far. Unless we can fix
families, you can't fix anything else. Most of the problems that are most
vexing are things government can't fix. They have to be fixed at a different
level. That's the urgency of our message. I'd rather have ten commandments than
ten thousand federal regulations...Unless we rebuild marriages and families,
then we really are just straightening deck chairs on the Titanic." Neal A.
Maxwell
Why is it
sometimes easier to be kinder to strangers and acquaintances than to the people
inside our own home? Which are
more important, and why?
Do we
sometimes have to put down the traditions of our fathers when it comes to child rearing and other family
relationships? Has anyone had an
experience of being raised in a certain way, and determined not to perpetuate
that?
About
4 months after arriving in the US, they met and were taught the gospel by the
LDS missionaries. They were
baptized within one week. What do
you think was the main principle that sparked their interest in the gospel
message?
Family
relationships are sacred and can grow stronger in eternity.
President
Snow said:
Encourage marriage, … and
impress upon [others] the sacredness of that relation and the obligation they
are under to observe that great
commandment which was given of God to
our first parents, to multiply and replenish the earth. This is all the more
necessary, in view of the present tendency in the world to disregard that law
and to dishonor the marriage covenant. It is saddening to note the frequency of
divorces in the land and the growing inclination to look upon children as an
encumbrance instead of as a precious heritage from the Lord.
[The Lord] has shown us
that if we are faithful we will associate with each other in an immortal and
glorious state; that those connections formed here that are of the most
enduring character, shall exist in eternity.
At the time of their
baptism, José and Jacky were still just young, 16 and 17, and had married for
security more than anything else, and yet this doctrine touched their hearts
and inspired them to being a loving family.
What can we do to help the youth of the church
understand the sacredness of the marriage covenant? What can we do to help them look forward to marriage and
parenthood?
After having 4 children in
a few years, Jose and Jacky moved to Spain for a job, where José started
working long hours, and, in doing so, pulled away from the church and his
family. Finally, in frustration,
Jacky decided to leave and return to the states. Soon after, José had a dream, or vision in which he was
chasing Jacky and his children through the streets of Seville, only to finally
come to a beautiful garden.
However, his family was able to enter, while he was blocked outside,
watching them disappear. That same
night, he had another dream in which he was able to enter with his family. He realized that he did not want to
lose the opportunity to be in the garden with his family, and José and Jacky
reconciled.
José was able to restore
his family because he had a vision of the future. At our retreat, we were each encouraged to write a vision
for our family in 20 years, an event that we would all attend. We were asked to develop this vision
with our family, focusing on the feelings of relationships we desired to have
at that event.
President Snow gives and example of what such a
future event might be like:
(Quote 2)
Anticipating
his 70th birthday, Lorenzo Snow invited all his children and their families to
gather in Brigham City, Utah, for a “grand re-union and anniversary
celebration.” He arranged for their lodging and food and for programs that all,
including the young children, would enjoy. “The more I reflect upon this
subject [of a family reunion],” he wrote, “the greater are my
anxieties and desires for a family gathering, that I may see you all once in my
life, and give you a father’s blessing.” He urged them to let nothing prevent
their attendance “except the most serious and insurmountable obstacles.”
The Snow family
gathered from May 7 to 9, 1884, and enjoyed music, theatrical productions,
speeches, poetry, games, food, and friendly conversation. President Snow’s
sister Eliza reported that throughout the event, he attended “various meetings
of the family, and in the capacity of Patriarch, … engaged in conferring
blessings upon members” and giving “much fatherly counsel, instruction and
admonition.” As the reunion drew to a close, all the family came together to
hear him speak. According to Eliza’s record, he expressed “his pleasure and gratitude to God that he now enjoyed the happiness of
beholding the pleasant and smiling faces of his large family, and the good he
anticipated would result from this reunion.” Looking out over his family,
President Snow exclaimed: “My heart is filled to overflowing with warmest
feelings of gratitude to my Heavenly Father. … Language is powerless to express
the deep feelings of my heart for this holy and sacred opportunity on this the
celebration of my seventieth birthday, of standing here and beholding this
glorious and heavenly inspiring spectacle.”
When we have such a vision,
it can help us avoid or encourage actions today that would impact our future
event. It can be the source of a
desire to create more unity and harmony in the home daily.
When husband and wife enjoy a oneness of feeling, they
encourage love and kindness in the home.
President Snow said:
See that the
little, trifling misunderstandings in domestic concerns do not poison your
happiness.
Wives, be
faithful to your husbands. I know you have to put up with many unpleasant
things, and your husbands have to put up with some things as well. Doubtless
you are sometimes tried by your husbands, on account perhaps of the ignorance
of your husbands, or perchance at times because of your own ignorance. …
… I do not say
but that your husbands are bad—just as bad as you are, and probably some of
them are worse; but, never mind: try to endure the unpleasantnesses which arise
at times, and when you meet each other in the next life you will feel glad that
you put up with those things.
To the husbands, I say:
Many of you do not value your wives as you should. … Be kind to them. When they
go out to meeting, you carry the baby at least half the time. When it needs
rocking, and you have not much to do, rock it. Be kind when sometimes you have
to make a little sacrifice to do so; feel kind anyway, no matter what the
sacrifice.
President Snow said that “little, trifling
misunderstandings” can “poison our happiness” in the home. What are some specific ideas that can
help us avoid this “poision”?
When is it the hardest to be kind? What can we do to make those moments
easier for ourselves?
When we discussed this
vision with our family, we emphasized the importance of daily relationships
over the years, continuous associations that would make that 20-year reunion
more enjoyable. We discussed that
we see happen when we get together with our extended families now, and how we
can work to avoid those in our own, future family.
What are some of the feelings President Snow had
about bringing his entire family together? How can we help our families stay united?
President Snow said:
In this we will see a
spirit of determination that will enable us to become one, that we may learn
how to love each other, and I pray to the Lord that he will deposit that love
in each of our hearts which he deposited in Jesus his Son, and that he will
continue to deposit a knowledge of that which is good.
In the world today, this
pattern described is not the reality for everyone. Sometimes, the outcome is not reconciliation, but divorce.
In his
conference talk, Faith, Fortitude, Fulfillment: A Message to Single Parents,
Elder David S. Baxter said:
"You are striving to raise your children in
righteousness and truth, knowing that while you cannot change the past, you can
shape the future."
"Whatever your circumstances or the reasons
for them, how wonderful you are. Day to day you face the struggles of life,
doing the work that was always meant for two but doing it largely alone. You
have to be father as well as mother. You run your household, watch over your
family, sometimes struggle to make ends meet, and miraculously you even find
the wherewithal to serve in the Church in significant ways. You nurture your
children. You cry and pray with them and for them. You want the very best for
them but fret every night that your best may never be good enough."
"Please never feel that you are in some kind
of second-tier subcategory of Church membership, somehow less entitled to the
Lord’s blessings than others. In the kingdom of God there are no second-class
citizens."
There is a second category
of member that may feel like a second-class citizen, and this applies to both
male and female. That is those who have not been able to marry in this life.
President Snow said:
People who have no
opportunity of marrying in this life, if they die in the Lord, will have means
furnished them by which they can secure all the blessings necessary for persons
in the married condition. The Lord is merciful and kind, and He is not unjust.
There is no injustice in Him; yet we could scarcely look upon it as being just
when a woman or a man dies without having had the opportunity of marrying if it
could not be remedied in the other life. There would be injustice in that, and
we know that the Lord is not an unjust being. My sister Eliza R. Snow, I
believe, was just as good a woman as any Latter-day Saint woman that ever
lived, and she lived in an unmarried state until she was beyond the condition
of raising a family. … I cannot for one moment imagine that she will lose a
single thing on that account. It will be made up to her in the other life, and
she will have just as great a kingdom as she would have had if she had had the
opportunity in this life of raising a family.
Does anyone who had to wait for either marriage
or children have thoughts they would like to share? What have you done that has enabled you to feel close to
Heavenly Father? What were some of
the obstacles you had to overcome?
(Quote 3)
"There is a temptation on the part of some of
our sisters who have never married to give up, to stop trying, to think of what
they don’t have in life instead of what they do have. It is important for them
to never give up, to never cease living. As Sister Carol Clark has so
beautifully stated: “The personal challenge is not to wait successfully but to
live richly, fully, joyfully. The goal is not to wait for the right person but
to be the right person” May I emphasize the word live. Live richly, fully,
joyfully. Be excited about your chance to grow and develop your potential. Be
excited about life and the opportunities and privileges that the Lord has given
you." Marvin J. Ashton
(Quote 4)
I assure you that if you have to wait even until
the next life to be blessed with a choice companion, God will surely compensate
you. Time is numbered only to man. God has your eternal perspective in mind.
Ezra Taft Benson
Upon returning to Florida, the Apontés had 6 more
children, for a total of 10. José
had a very successful business, and was in the stake presidency. Many people looked up to them as the
wonderful family that they in fact are.
Their beloved eldest son, James, was an inspiration to all through his
testimony and enthusiasm for the gospel.
When he was age 18, James fell deeply in love with the daughter of
parents who determined they needed to rescue James from the Mormon cult. They found their son ripped from them
and turned against them and the gospel in a painful way that left them in shock
and despair. José, as a member of
the stake presidency, felt unworthy and unqualified to stand before the members
and preach. At home, he and Jacky
withdrew into their pain.
Unfortunately, they didn’t realize the depth of the pain in their
children, who adored their brother as well, and their second son, Josiah
started to lash out and rebel in anger.
It was a very dark time for them.
One of the first activities we did at the seminar
was to introduce ourselves by using random objects to build our home, as it is,
as we ideally wish it to be. One
lady who had driven to the seminar from Arizona with a tiny baby, without her
husband, had just managed to put her selected objects in a rather disorganized
pile. She picked up each object
and explained what it represented, and concluded by saying, “I’ve got joy in
here somewhere, but I can’t find it”.
To me, that was one of the most memorable lines of the whole
seminary. I have often felt that
way.
Has any else ever lost their joy?
How do you refind, or regain that lost joy?
For the Apontés, the return of joy came with the
inspiration that what they needed most to reclaim their children was, first
just pure love, connecting to their hearts, and second, teaching true
principles.
Children learn the gospel best when their parents seek
inspiration and set good examples.
(Quote 5)
This is not our
work that we are engaged in, it is the work of God. We are directed in our
movements by a superior intelligence. … The future of this kingdom will rest on
our offspring; and its power and ultimate triumph, on their education and
proper training. If we wish to sway a proper influence over our families, we
must show them good examples as well as give them good precepts. We should be
able to say, do as I do, as well as to say do as I say.
Strive to teach your
children in such a way, both by example and precept, that they will unhesitatingly
follow in your footsteps and become as valiant for the truth as you have been.
President Snow said:
It is the business of the
father to be qualified to teach and instruct his children, and to lay
principles before them, so that by conforming to those instructions they can be
the most happy that their natures are susceptible of in a state of childhood,
while at the same time they learn the principles upon which they can gain the
most happiness and enjoyment in a state of [adult]hood.
The Apontés were looking
for a new way to teach their children good behavior and responsibility, and
learned about the program taught at the seminar. The approach is simple, based primarily on 4 basic skills,
which are:
Following instructions
Accepting a “No” answer or criticism
Accepting consequences
And Disagreeing appropriately
These seem simple, but as I
have pondered then I have come to believe they are truly gospel based. Almost every problem I have had in my
life could have been avoided if I had been taught these skills, and learned to
apply them.
Following instructions—Keeping the commandments
Accepting a “No” answer and criticism—Answers to
prayer, acceptance when things aren’t the way we prefer, or admonitions for
improvement
Accepting consequences—Repentance
Disagreeing appropriately—being respectful when
we disagree or things don’t go the way we want
President Snow said,
Our children, if we are
diligent in cultivating in ourselves the pure principles of life and salvation,
will grow up in the knowledge of these things and be able with greater facility
than ourselves, to promote the order of heaven and establish happiness and
peace around them.
Through their continued
faithfulness, the Apontés have seen the fruition of these promises. Two more children have joined their
family for a total of 12. James
has returned to their family and faith in the Lord. This past Wednesday, they took Josiah to the MTC to begin
his missionary service. And in
October, the entire family will begin a mission to Guatemala.
